Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Will I Get Her Back by Fixing Her Problems, FAQs

Hi there, and welcome to another article in my FAQ's series. I received a letter from a reader asking "Will I get her back if I can fix [her problem/problems]. (Note - I won't share what my reader imagines "her problems" to be - they are not truly the issue for them anyway.) But the whole notion of fixing "anything", brings up a point I would like to expand on. Men and woman view issues vastly differently and a better understanding of these differences will help you get her back.

When I speak of the fundamental differences in men and women, I'm referring to how men and women differ in their thought process, how we communicate differently and the different ways we are attracted to in one another.

Typically females develop the creative side of their brain faster leading to enhanced feelings of love, communication and the importance of relationships. Yep, they like to cuddle more, feel love deeply and enjoy being taken care of.

While men develop the left side of the brain faster, the logical side. Which means we like to solve problems, build stuff, and figure stuff out. We like to fix shit! Our sense of value is based on producing results. Her sense of value is more based on "feeling".

One of women's biggest complaints is "You're always trying to change me". They want empathy and we offer solutions. We assume that if we can just fix them, or the problem, that it shows our love. Women most often just want us to sincerely listen to them.

As men we often hear "You don't listen"! Of course we aren't "really listening" we are busy trying to fix the dam problem.
Don't go about trying to get her back as something that needs "fixed", it won't work. She has to see you in a different light than she is seeing you now.

The things you value as important are not the same things she puts much value on. You have to understand she values love, communication, the ability to listen and the strength of her relationship. Were you giving her these? Or were you trying to "fix" things instead?

She is not a broken screen door that needs repaired. When she is upset she doesn't necessarily expect you to "fix things" she just needs you to listen. Many arguments and fights can be avoided simply by listening to her.

Here's a quick example:

Bob has been really worried about getting a big promotion at work and has doing a few extra things at work and has been getting home a little late on occasion.

Tammy has had a bad day and barks at Bob when he arrives home late - again!

Bob is immediately offended because he knows how this promotion would cure many of their financial concerns and very logically explains this to her, again! He leaves it at that and assumes the issue has been "fixed". bob is a tad annoyed at her not appreciating the extra work he is doing....

Therefore,Bob never really heard what Tammy was really saying, and they end up bickering the evening away.

Let's play this out another way….

Bob arrives home, and when met with by an irritated Tammy, he stops and realizes that she is really saying something other than "you're late".

Bob realizes that he really has been neglecting Tammy because of work.

Bob: (giving Tammy a hug) Damn baby, I really have been spending too much time at work and not enough with you, I‘m sorry I‘m made you feel unappreciated!

Tammy (visually in a better mood already): Oh Bob, it's just that I miss you and I know you are trying really hard to get that promotion at work. Forget I said anything.

Bob: (looking sincerly into her eyes) No, I love you and you do as much as I do and I really do appreciate that. You mean everything to me.

Tammy: Awww, It's just that I had a really bad day, and no one appreciates me at work. I shouldn't take it out on you.

Bob: Baby, tell me what happened at work….

And they go on to have a meaningful conversation that leaves them feeling reconnected, instead of another night of arguing and bickering.

In summary, when asking "Will I  get her back" be aware of these differences when communicating about anything important. Remember the things that are important to her; love, communication, the ability to listen and the strength of her relationship.

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